Perhaps you'll be forgiving when you know that I've been in constant pain for over 2 months with a condition called Bell's Palsy. It has been my experience that when people hear of Bell's Palsy, they either think of a close friend or family member who has suffered with it or else they have no idea what it is and start thumbing through the bulk of web pages on the subject to find out what it is and they still have questions. So for those who are clueless like I was, I'll briefly explain. Bell's Palsy is a weakening or paralysis usually in only one side of the face (but it can be both sides) due to a constriction to the facial nerve. There are many known causes for the swelling in the face that leads to Bell's Palsy, but there are perhaps more unknown causes. Even with a known cause, the diagnosis is more of a "pretty good guess." My doctor's "pretty good guess" is that mine was caused by the shingles virus. After all the tests, I think it's a pretty good guess too.
I have been SO blessed to only have the weakness in the muscles rather than complete paralysis. I could not use the right side of my face, but neither did my face drop like many folks experience with it. I can tell you this though, it has been an EXTREMELY painful experience! Over the past couple weeks or so, the nerve has started to heal itself. The healing has been nearly as disturbing as the condition itself. The muscles around my eye vibrate sometimes for days on end and the muscle fatigues. At one point, I got an ear infection that has healed but now has me wondering whether I'll ever hear well in my right ear again. The nerve in my ear has begun to show signs of healing as it, too, has vibrated for many days as though a bug were fluttering around inside. Like I said, it's been disturbing at times.
All this began around the time I was preparing for a process called EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. I want to encourage you to look up more about EMDR. I've put a link in the sidebar to the EMDR Institute. This procedure has had great success in treating veterans with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and is now used for a wide variety of issues involving highly stressful situations such as sexual abuse, rape, repressed memories, and even current job situations. The list goes on, but you get the idea. I especially like this technique because it aims at dispelling the lies we acquire from our trauma and replaces it with Truth. The trauma is not fully processed until the lies are sufficiently dispelled in the person's belief system. EMDR is especially helpful when the client needs the added security of the safety offered by the EMDR process. Also, let me make it clear that EMDR is not the cure all. It is a means by which a client and counselor can consciously access and process repressed or known traumas. But the therapy should continue after EMDR in order to gain the full benefits and avoid further trauma by leaving unprocessed information.
In considering my ongoing healing, I have asked myself on several occasions, especially now with Bell's Palsy, how serious am I about healing? To me there are only two choices, to run towards healing or run away from it. Then a friend posted on his blog that he has started running in the mornings and is conditioning for a 5K. Interestingly, that was at the same time my husband started doing the same thing! Also interesting is that our friend said the same things about running as I'd been thinking about healing. He said we're always running. Running towards something or running away from something. And hopefully we are running to Christ and not away from Him. So I have my answer to my question about pursuing healing knowing that it can cause serious health issues. The way I see it is that I have to go through the pain to get to the healing. Pain is temporary, but healing is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:17-18 (NASB) says
For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.
The application I get from this is that I can't live my life in fear of what I see. Until a few days ago, I saw a deformed face in the mirror, a face that didn't work and only caused pain. I look at the timeline of my life and I see horrible abuses and circumstances speckled with a few good interruptions. I've said on several occasions, "I hate my timeline!" Many of you readers can say the same thing. But what if I stop there? What if I run away from it all with my bag full of bitterness and denial and pain and lies that are all rightfully mine? Well, then my story doesn't stand a chance at redemption in this life. So I have to choose healing. I choose to run to the Healer who can take care of my Bell's Palsy or, if not my body, then He can choose to heal my heart about it and help me live with it. (I do feel my body healing, however. It just takes time.) I choose to run to the Lover of my soul who wrote the Songs of Solomon with ME in mind. I choose to run the path of healing. I choose to press on towards Christ and away from self. How can I run away from my selfish ways if I'm spending so much energy numbing and protecting my hurts just so I don't have to face them? So I choose Jesus. I am running the race that leads to life and an eternal perspective. It's worth the temporary discomforts knowing that it brings God eternal glory.
How about you? You are running. The question is, what direction?
