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THE HEAVENS OF IDOLATRY: SHEDDING THE GODS OF PERFECTIONISM

So you say you’re not a perfectionist. Your idea of a perfectionist is someone who is well on their way to being perfect, and that does not describe you. Perfectionism is so cleverly disguised by its symptoms and ripple effects, but the problem is the same at the heart―idolatry. The Heavens of Idolatry challenges Christ followers to consider the possibility that other gods may have set up a throne in their heart. As believers we may find ourselves living to please these gods, with our identity and worth hanging in the balance of acceptance. Or, being the diligent Christians that we are, we may have elevated ourselves by setting impossible standards for someone else. It is the striving and confusion that ensue that causes big problems in a person’s life. sLisa Stough writes to fellow perfectionists as well as all Christians who are tired of hiding inside their Sunday clothes, who have given up on God all together, or who might be wondering what the big deal is about perfectionism. She brings Scripture, insight, and experience together into a journey you can call your own.

 

See Inside The Heavens of Idolatry: Shedding the gods of Perfectionism

 

Chapter 1

Portrait of Perfectionism

Getting the Picture

 

The man who made it didn’t want it.

The man who bought it didn’t need it.

The man who has it doesn’t know it.

What is it? 

If you’d like to stop reading right now and think on that one for a while, I understand. You’re a perfectionist and that’s what perfectionists do. But, to ruin all the fun, I’ll keep this story moving along. The answer is: A coffin. And so begins this book about perfectionism. The profiles of perfectionism lurk around every corner, occupy the seat next to you, work out at the community gym, fill prospering offices and classrooms and factories, build governments, fix your plumbing, come in all shapes and sizes, perhaps even walk in your own shoes, live in cardboard boxes and abandoned buildings, drive successful men and women to suicide, haunt houses and destroy health and families. Yet very few owners even know they have it. One person starts it, another buys into it, and before you know it, it’s in your possession, and you’re wielding it unaware, slashing away at relationships as you go.

Abandonment, physical, sexual and emotional abuse. These were the burdens on my back by the age of four. Entering into my teen years, I’d witnessed enough crime and injustice to shred the last of my innocence. Homeless, sexually assaulted, medicating with street drugs, and suicidal, at 17 I faced my future with great determination to break the cycles that kept my world in orbit. I literally wanted to die rather than stay where I was. No one would have looked at my life and said, “Now there’s someone who has it all together!” I surely didn’t use the word “perfect” in any form to describe myself. If you had asked me if I was a perfectionist as a youth, I would have shown you my bedroom and asked you to reconsider the question. I had no idea what a perfectionist was, but I was sure I wasn’t one of them. After all, nothing in me felt perfect, neither as a child nor later as an adult.

My misunderstanding of what perfectionism looked like was common. “[Perfectionism] has to do with unreasonable expectations – how we belittle ourselves and others for having human (we translate that word as ‘weak’) thoughts and emotions, inconsistent faith or less-than-excellent plans, accomplishments, families, bodies or dreams.”¹ The perfectionist knows no bounds. She may know about boundaries, but when it comes to doing well, there is no such thing as “good enough.” She always sees room for improvement, can always think of a better way to do a thing. She can’t find the “off” switch and therefore finds no rest. She stops but only because she runs out of time, energy, or resources. “She works long hours, taking on project after project, often feeling misunderstood and underappreciated for the significant contributions she makes. Yet she feels compelled to keep doing; it is a matter of identity for her. If she stopped to rest, it would prove she is inferior, lazy or both.”²

Like many perfectionists, I didn’t think in terms of trying to be perfect. I thought mostly in terms of negative cognitions (thought patterns of false, unrealistic, or only partially true beliefs). The following is a list of perfectionistic thoughts, attitudes, and postures compiled from personal experience and fellow perfectionists. These statements each seem to indicate a source from which the speaker is deriving his or her own self-worth or to whom the speaker is ascribing authority over the perfectionist’s worth. The statements are loosely grouped according to apparent sources of worth. Feel free to check off the ones familiar to your inner dialogue:

 

 

HEALING LETTERS: A COMPANION GUIDE TO WRITING UNSENT LETTERS

IN THE HEALING PROCESS

Writing an unsent letter to a person or experience that has hurt you could be just the tool that takes you from your “stuck” present to your victorious future. Healing Letters presents an insightful 5-step method to approach your toughest obstacles and gain freedom from your spiritual, emotional or relational brokenness. This method gives a productive and progressive structure to unsent letter writing in the healing process. Questions at the end of each chapter help you apply the information to your own life and ultimately to your own healing letter. Lisa uses her personal stories and examples to lead you through the journey. If you have been silenced by your pain, impacted by your experience, unsettled by grief, have fallen prey to unforgiveness, believed the lies or searched for righteousness and hope but were unable to resist the devil, then Healing Letters will be the refreshment you need to restore your spirit and regain your strength.

See Inside Healing Letters: A Companion Guide to Writing Unsent Letters in the Healing Process

 

Chapter 1

Discovering the Unsent Healing Letter

What is a Healing Letter?

I saw a cartoon in Newsweek magazine several years ago that showed two girls standing in a bookstore. One was holding a book revealing only the title, The Scarlet Letter. Her friend beside her said, “Don’t let that fool you. It’s a whole book!” So please let me clarify my use of the term “healing letter.” It’s not just one of 26 in the alphabet. If only it were that easy.

 

There are two basic kinds of healing letters. One is sent and the other is unsent. Although the unsent healing letter can evolve into a sent letter over time, the unsent letter discussed in this book is for the writer and not the person to whom it is written. In many ways, it is more liberating than a sent healing letter. Some thoughts I recorded in my journal after writing my first healing letter illustrate the freedom that can come specifically from an unsent letter.

The healing letter allowed me to say what I’ve always thought. I could control the way it came out of me. It’s not like I was writing anything that was news to me. But I could say the negative and to my surprise, it was just OK! Knowing that I’m not going to give it to the person has taken all the pressure off. I could turn off the tapes of the condemning voices that would not be reading this letter, and I could turn up the volume of my own voice that says, “I’m the one writing this letter, not you!” I am in control, not the anger or fear or lies.

Sometimes a person may choose to write a healing letter with the intention to send it to a specific recipient. The purpose of a sent healing letter is typically to make reconciliation -- to heal a relationship, keep open lines of communication, mend a breech, right a wrong, or make peace after an argument or years of silence and bitterness. This type of healing letter is one in which a person would probably write many drafts hoping to refine it from raw emotions into something they can send to their intended recipient. It is initially written to get the healing process started, and gradually the writer produces something he can send.

 

There are many other forms of writing you can choose from for processing matters of the soul. Perhaps as you read further along, you will realize that the unsent healing letter is not for you. You may discover another genre you prefer over the unsent letter. These other forms of writing can include journaling, poetry, stories, music/songs, prayers or prayer journals, or free write. God’s toolbox truly is enormous!

 

I preferred to write poetry when I was a child. It was personal and rarely intended for others. With poetry I didn’t have to have complete thoughts or sentences, and it helped me find words for my turmoil and happiness even if the words were few. During certain trials, I needed something more substantial so I used journaling. Occasionally, I wrote a fictional story so the characters could say to each other the things I wanted to say to the people who would rebuke me for saying it. Later, in one period of therapy, I made a giant collage with a combination of pictures and words that were cut out of magazines or of my own creation. I needed pictures for the places words couldn’t reach or didn’t seem to come.

 

One project my high school students particularly enjoyed and learned a lot from was to write an autobiography. It was like a scrapbook of their lives. They had many different forms of writing included in their binder accompanied by photographs and drawings, all of which made up their story. I was amazed at the depth and insight the students disclosed. They were amazed at the memories they had forgotten.

 

Further into adulthood, my need for therapeutic writing diminished, or at least the need sank deeper in its own muck until I reached a comfortable state of denial. But like most muck, it tends to push yucky things to the surface often against our will. That is how I discovered the healing letter process discussed in this book.